Doms and subs and insecurity

I initially wrote this as a comment reply but I’m very proud of what came out, and feel like it deserves its own post.

Please note that I am new to the BDSM community and have a lot to learn. Everything below is based entirely off of my personal experience in relationships, and my learnings from frameworks such as Circling and NVC. It in no way insinuates general advice or representation of the BDSM community or understanding of professional therapy. I am not qualified in either of these.

I am sharing my experience in hopes that it resonates with people who stuggle with certain insecurities. I discuss how I used concepts of bdsm for creating healthy, passionate, and healing relationships.

This article discusses my personal experiences between links in insecurities and preferred roles (which in no way is an insinuation that BDSM community has more or less insecurities than the average person). I’ve learned that this is a triggering association for many people in the community, and I apologize if I have offended you. I suggest skipping this article.

I’ve encountered many people with an intrinsic fear — that they’re not good enough. That they have to please and perform in order to be loved. I’ve found that these people often gravitate towards the sub role in BDSM dynamics.

When left unaddressed, these insecurities can attract manipulative men, who reinforce their worthlessness, pummel their self esteem, and take advantage of them. This is how many abusive relationships start. And by the way, no, you’re not pleasing or changing your abuser by being a doormat, you’re actually exacerbating his insecurities and resentments. Abusers are fundamentally deeply hurt individuals who feel lonely, worthless, and a victim of the world. They take out their anger on the vulnerable and defenseless in an attempt to fill that void of being truly loved. A black hole that only grows in size the more you feed it. So you’re not doing anyone any favors.

I had an ex (my first real gf) who after dating me got into a physically abusive relationship with a drug dealing pimp. He would burn her with cigarettes and prostitute her, beat her, and call her worthless, while actually believing he was doing it out of love. I talked to him on the phone once and he blamed me for fucking up my ex, and swore that I like me, he truly loves her and will heal her. Months later I find out from a mutual friend what she got herself into, and we had to get the FBI involved to get her out. The thing is, he wasn’t wrong. I still feel partly responsible because of how I acted in our relationship, to lead her down that path. I didn’t physically abuse her, but I was reckless with her feelings, and took out my resentments on her, building her feeling of worthlessness. I was young, and like that man, was unaware of the impact I was causing on myself and those close to me. But I got lucky, I ran in the right crowds, and learned about my emotions.

Once you become conscious of your emotions and insecurities, you can actually heal them with the help of professional therapy. Professional therapy is essential to safely and effectively exploring your emotions. I myself have seen a therapist and psychiatrist for 10 years and am on 3 medications for bipolar. I discuss my sexual exploration with my therapist on a regular basis to ensure that it’s safe.

However, professional therapy only gives you the guidelines for how to safely address your insecurities. What I’ve found makes a practical difference is applying these guidelines in a loving relationship. If you gravitate towards a sub dynamic, having a good Dom will help you move through your blocks by creating a safe container for you to face your emotions. And vice versa. Healing in a relationship works two ways. As one party heals, so does the other. There’s no way for one party to heal while putting down the other. A healthy interaction with your partner will make you feel valuable, lovable, important, and attractive. You will raise your self esteem, and you will leave the relationship feeling empowered and full of self love.

I dated a sub who had a lot of the insecurities I described. She was afraid of being cheated on, afraid of not being good enough, or attractive enough (btw she was gorgeous), had shame around her highly active sexual appetite and need to experiment. She was a people pleaser and didn’t put her needs first. She was a skilled performer, putting on a show that everything was alright, while deep down she was often miserable. But she was also very far along the self growth and spirituality journey, and deeply aware of her issues. So she attracted a Dom who shared the same path and background (yours truly 🙃). Heck I didn’t even really know I was a Dom back then…nobody let that side of me come out. But we figured it out together, as we allowed our natural selves to come out. And we had a passionate, romantic, spiritual, loving, and adventurous relationship. We both grew immensely. I saw most of her insecurities disappear before my eyes, and so did mine. My confidence, creativity, and self worth skyrocketed. And we explored stuff in sex that I never would’ve dreamed of doing. I revealed the unconditionally loving romantic beneath all my fear. And she revealed the beautiful, expressive goddess that was hidden under all her shame. We came out of the relationship with mutual love, respect, and admiration. We revealed the king and queen we were deep inside, embracing our polarity, owning our desires, and unleashing our true power.

Even thought BDSM isn’t intrinsically about sex, it offers a lot of tools that can be used in a sexual context. I myself am a highly sexual person and tend to interpret the world through it. For me, sex is the most powerful playground to work out my emotional issues. It’s the only place where I can safely let my true self come out, by experimenting, making mistakes, laughing, and moving on! And that’s really what BDSM is about to me — discovering who I am, and experiencing my world to the max. Embracing my polarity, my uniqueness, what makes me me.

I hope my story offers insight to those on a similar path as mine — struggling with insecurity and looking to release it and become the people they want to be.

To all my future kings and queens, gods and goddesses — I pray for your healing journey and can’t wait to see what magic you will unleash on the world. 👑🔥