Not being able to make your partner cum

So I’ve actually been in that situation a few times and it was quite a big insecurity to overcome (not the grandma part but “giving up on pleasing”) before.

I had a very unsatisfying sex life with one partner, for 4 years. I could never seem to get her to cum or satisfy her. And that took a pretty big hit on my ego. The thing is in the beginning of the relationship everything was fine. We were even kind of adventurous and spontaneous, like getting blowjobs in the park.

A pretty big power dynamic shift happened about a year in. When she met me I was doing really well, I was a young brilliant programmer, who made much more money than anyone in his age group, had a fancy apartment, you know living the life. And she was introduced to me by a friend who was obsessed in me. He would always go on about how brilliant and successful I was. So I had a pretty inflated self esteem. She just graduated college, no job or money. I was clearly “on top”. But within a year she gained a lot of success, she rose up the ranks and became a manager at a big corporation. And I just kind of stagnated.

I had very low self esteem and sexual shame and felt unlovable. You see, even when I had all that success, my self esteem was very conditional. I needed to perform, be better than everyone, to be worth something. And when that was challenged, well the whole dynamic crumbled.

I fundamentally believed that I had to be useful/successful to be loved. And it became a self fulfilling prophecy. I believed I couldn’t please her because I was “less than her”, so I couldn’t actually please her, which was confirmation of my fear “see I’m worthless!”

She would also make a lot of excuses, saying she was tired from work, or her birth control affected her sex drive. But that actually made things worse. I not only didn’t believe her, but started losing trust in her, seeing her as a liar, and believed she was continuing our relationship out of pity or obligation. At which point I completely gave up, and thought of myself as an ugly loser who doesn’t deserve to be loved. I hung on to the relationship for a long time because I was afraid of having no one. And to her credit, she was incredibly supportive. She really tried her best to show her love, and in retrospect, I do believe she really loved me. But eventually, we broke up.

Anyways, what was interesting, after we eventually broke up, I did a lot of self growth. And one time I was staying over at her house, and I guess we were both horny, and we fucked every night that week. And sex was magical! It’s not like I gained any special skills or got more successful over that time. Nothing changed in her life either. It’s just my insecurities and self view improved.

Moving forward a few years, I dated a few people that I liked, but we weren’t really the best fit together sexually or Romantically. We just didn’t have all that much chemistry. And that happens sometimes. I learned to not take it personally.

Fast forward a bit more, and I dated someone I could never get to cum. And it wasn’t just me, she’s dated a lot of guys, and always had that problem. She couldn’t even cum from masturbation. Initially, this kind of bothered me, brought up old wounds. I really really loved this girl (still do). And we had an incredible connection, on another level from anything I experienced. But hey, no matter what I did, couldn’t get her to cum. For a little while, it affected our relationship. Some of those feelings were coming back, of needing to please, and it took a similar toll as in the first relationship I described. Sex started to get awkward. She would even cry sometimes. However we were very committed to each other, and did a lot of self work in the past, which kicked in. We talked about the problem very openly and honestly. I laid my insecurities out on the table. And I felt accepted by her, that I didn’t have to make her cum to get her love and approval. I realized that even though I couldn’t get her to cum, she could still get a lot of pleasure from us making love. In fact my whole view on sexuality was transformed. Many men believe that orgasm is the one and only point of sex. With her, I understood how extensive and elaborate sex is. But orgasm is just one tiny part of an infinite tapestry of bringing pleasure to each others’ bodies. And as our relationship grew, I got more and more comfortable with her. We had a LOT of sex and all kinds of kinky sex I’ve never imagined I would try before. We worshipped each others’ bodies. I started realizing that everything I do, from the slightest touch, to the smallest glance, every sweet nothing, and creative gift, contributed to our pleasure together. This was a revolutionary realization for me, completely changed my life. And perhaps it wouldn’t have happened if she came easily.

This was the first time I actually felt what true sexual fulfillment was in a relationship. Now I never did get her to cum, but it didn’t really matter. We were really horny for each other, crazy affectionate, we’re super comfortable with each others’ bodies, and more importantly were in a constant state of play. I know I became a much better lover because of the relationship, and more importantly it revealed the infinite possibilities of how I can become even better.

Sex transformed from being a source of shame and insecurity to being central to my life. Everything is sex. And you can get pleasure out of any action or interaction, if you know how.

So anyways, I don’t know what your situation is. Could be any of these 3, or a combination, or none of the above. But what I do recommend, if you love your partner, is be super honest and supportive. Encourage him to share his emotions, put them on the table. And make it clear that you will love him no matter what. Don’t “fake” an orgasm, don’t make up excuses, because that will only make things worse and destroy the trust between you. Be honest, but loving. Make it clear that your love is not dependent on his sexual performance, and I guarantee it will improve.

Feel free to share my story with him. I’d even be happy to talk to him and share more about my experience. A large part of this is knowing you’re not alone. Everything you’re experiencing is totally normal and is not a problem.