Rejection, Breakups, Vulnurability, and BDSM
Rejection is hard. It’s painful. And rejection from someone really close to you, it doesn’t get any less painful. In fact the more you let yourself love someone, the more pain you will feel. You do have the choice of how to deal with that pain — suffer and feel like a victim or embrace it as a part of your growth, welcoming it to transform you to new heights.
Rejection is a major insecurity for many if not most people. I used to fear rejection so much, that I wouldn’t even take chances. I didn’t ask girls out very often. And when I did, I wouldn’t let myself love them fully, I’d hedge myself against the inevitable breakup, living in fear of when everything will come tumbling down, which ironically was often the cause of everything tumbling down.
At some point I learned that fearing this rejection, not taking chances, not allowing myself to love fully, hurt me far far more than the actual rejection. I was not happy with life. I had constant depression and low self esteem. I was unsatisfied in my sexual/romantic relationships as well as my friendships as well as my career. I was often suicidal. Life was literally not worth living to me. Eventually, the pain of a sucky life exceeded my pain of rejection. And I set out on a mission to actively confront this fear.
A lot of things helped me — circling, NVC, psychotherapy, acro yoga, meditation, community, dozens of self help books and courses and retreats, you name it. But perhaps what causes the most noticeable shift was cuddle parties. They’re non sexual events. You just platonically cuddle with people. And before cuddling there’s a 1h workshop, which is the most valuable part. You practice rejection and being rejected. You practice asking for what you want and feeling if you actually want something or are just trying to please. And then you are put in a safe container where you are encouraged to take chances, without being labeled as a “creep” or “pervert”. And you get rejected, and see it’s no big deal. Going to dozens of cuddle parties majorly improved my self esteem and confidence and I started taking more chances, asking for what I wanted. And surprise surprise, I started getting more of what I wanted.
My last relationship was radically different from the ones before it. I told myself in the beginning that I will love her unconditionally, no matter the outcome or status of our relationship. It was more than telling myself though, I knew it, with a stronger conviction that anything else I’ve ever felt. A few weeks into dating something happened, I actually took a risk, and it backfired. And she broke up with me and the other guy she was dating (we started polyamorous, long story…). But I retained that unconditional love and confronted the pain of the rejection. It hurt, a lot, and I admitted it, to myself and to her. I was in love, head over heals with this girl, like I’ve never been before. But instead of stuffing down that emotion, and shielding myself from the pain, I felt it fully. I cried a lot, something I probably haven’t really done for years before that. But more importantly, I saw this as a perfect opportunity to practice my new approach towards rejection, seeing it as a tool for growth. Instead of ending our interaction, like I did after many previous rejections (to dull the pain), I continued being friends with her. I was honest and genuine and fun and loving. I owned my feelings, but I didn’t let her rejection affect my actions towards her. In fact with the pressure and expectations to impress off, I had the chance to let my real self come out. She saw what an amazing person I am, and how much we had in common. And a few weeks later, we started dating again. It kind of just happened organically. And we had an indescribable 9 months together. It was full of adventure and vulnerability and love and growth. I discovered so many sides of myself (including BDSM/kink) that were completely hidden. And I felt feelings towards her that were on another level from what I ever felt before.
9 months later, we realized that we had some insecurities that couldn’t be worked out in the relationship. We were codependent, losing ourselves, and the relationship turned toxic — where neither of us was happy. We would have to take the next part of our journey alone, to confront those issues.
The breakup was so painful. I lost someone who I was so sure I would spend the rest of my life with, who I see as a piece of me, my reflection. And this time around we took a full break from each other — no interacting for at least a few months. I accept the fact that we might never have a romantic/sexual relationship again, and may even grow apart completely.
This hurt a lot. And it still does. There are nights where all I can think about is how much I miss her. But there’s a huge difference from my previous breakups. I welcome the pain, and let it run its course. My attitude changed from the usual “poor old me, I have been wronged by my ex and the world, and I will never find love again”. I now see the breakup as my chance to grow into the man I want to be. My chance to confront all the obstacles keeping me from experiencing the type of happiness, pleasure, and fulfillment that’s possible. I will come out of these challenges capable of taking my relationships to the next level, experience love and pleasure that most people can’t even dream of. And I’ll become a far more interesting and adventurous person, exploring all the hidden little sides of me.
And most importantly, I don’t see the breakup as a reflection of my value or my ex’s value. We both walked away from the relationship with a lot of love, respect, and admiration for each other, and ourselves. Neither of us is “wrong” or “broken”. We already saw ample proof that we are 2 incredible individuals worthy of love and amazing lives. For when you really love someone, you actually just see a reflection of yourself. And I see a kind, generous, creative, adventurous, romantic, intelligent, beautiful, and courageous person. We are both incredibly open and vulnerable, with so much love to give, and a true appreciation for the beauty the world has to offer. Now, we are being challenged to become even greater individuals.
I’m a programmer by trade. And I know many programmers who suffer from these insecurities. Programming is a constant challenge. Just when you’ve solved one bug, you’re faced with another, bigger, more complicated one. And we embrace this!!! It’s fun, it’s exciting, it’s challenging. If there was no challenge we’d be out of a job! And the same applies to gamers who pay money for a challenge — who wants to play an easy game? Or sports — would you keep playing if you always win without breaking a sweat? Or just about anything else that makes you feel alive. We welcome the challenge, the difficulty. We don’t take failures personally. We try again and again. But when it comes to love, and the other important parts of life, we totally forget this.
Perhaps the most direct example of this phenomenon is BDSM. Fundamentally, for me, BDSM is about reinterpreting pain as pleasure. What’s interesting is that pain and pleasure light up the same parts of our brain. I love the quote, “the opposite of love is not hate, it’s indifference”. You NEED the polarity, the downs, the failures, to experience the intensity of the pleasures. Understanding the duality of pain and pleasure, that they are in fact two parts of the same whole, and that it’s all up to our interpretation how we experience them, is a fundamental truth that I base my reality on. And BDSM is one of the most visceral ways to experience this truth. BDSM is a playground where you can safely and fully test out these concepts. Unlike the real world, you have (hopefully) a loving partner that will support you through all this exploration, and you’ll realize that there’s nothing to be afraid of.
Once you make a commitment to stop seeing. yourself as a victim of rejection, and realizing that you can completely reinterpret your pain, your life will be transformed. You’ll reach heights that you never dreamed of, and you’ll welcome pain to uncover the immense pleasure under its mask.
